Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
A deep breath and peace
So I realize that my last entry was a little extreme. To those of you who follow my blog and have no idea what's going on, I apologize, I tend to get a little dramatic at times. I'm fine. Call me if you're really that curious. This past Sunday I flew out to LA for a little vacation at home. On Monday I got the great opportunity to sleep in my own bed at home and to sleep in. I ate lunch with my Mom and Dad and then I got to go to my favorite coffee shop, Buster's in South Pas.
Flashback....I don't know what it is about Buster's, but I think a lot of the nostalgia I have for it has a lot to do with that they offer some sweet alternatives to coffee. As a Junior High kid I didn't care for coffee, but at Buster's I had plenty of choices between Lime Rickey's, Italian Soda's and Root Beer/ Sherbert Freeze's. As a kid in Junior High, it was sweet to go to a place like Buster's on a hot day(in SoCal almost everyday is hot) and get a Flavored Ricky. We all know that Junior High sucked, it did for me at least, so Buster's became an escape for me. I felt like a grown up there, because I spent money that I had saved up, and I could just rest and relax there without having to see other kids from school or deal with my parents.
All of the previous thoughts kind of hit me on Monday as I sat upstairs in Buster's with a cup of coffee (yes I drink coffee now) and I got to journal about what's going on in my life. Do you ever have those moments where everything is good? You really can't stress about anything because it's all kind of behind you. For instance, on Monday, I was in home in South Pasadena at Buster's with no schedule, no homework for grad school, no incident reports to write, no duty phone to cover, no meeting to attend, no real responsibility and nothing to stress about. I feel like those times of peace are little sliver's of what heaven is like. Everything is "right" (In heaven everything is right...no quotation marks, but on earth there is always something wrong even if it doesn't affect us as individuals), and God just kind of shine's his love and peace on you. I thought to myself, "God love's me, and I can't complain..."
This peace has subsided of course as the week has passed.. I continue to realize I can only take so much time with my parents...I love them to death, but there is a reason why I live across the country still. I am excited to get back to Pennsylvania because that means I get to be back at Summer's Best. I don't know if I have said this on my blog, but camp is a very special place for me. I have grown so much there in all aspects, physically, mentally, spiritually...and I get a second shot at being back there again (Most people don't get the summer's off to work at camp). Hopefully I'll get to post throughout the summer about it.
That's all I got.
Flashback....I don't know what it is about Buster's, but I think a lot of the nostalgia I have for it has a lot to do with that they offer some sweet alternatives to coffee. As a Junior High kid I didn't care for coffee, but at Buster's I had plenty of choices between Lime Rickey's, Italian Soda's and Root Beer/ Sherbert Freeze's. As a kid in Junior High, it was sweet to go to a place like Buster's on a hot day(in SoCal almost everyday is hot) and get a Flavored Ricky. We all know that Junior High sucked, it did for me at least, so Buster's became an escape for me. I felt like a grown up there, because I spent money that I had saved up, and I could just rest and relax there without having to see other kids from school or deal with my parents.
All of the previous thoughts kind of hit me on Monday as I sat upstairs in Buster's with a cup of coffee (yes I drink coffee now) and I got to journal about what's going on in my life. Do you ever have those moments where everything is good? You really can't stress about anything because it's all kind of behind you. For instance, on Monday, I was in home in South Pasadena at Buster's with no schedule, no homework for grad school, no incident reports to write, no duty phone to cover, no meeting to attend, no real responsibility and nothing to stress about. I feel like those times of peace are little sliver's of what heaven is like. Everything is "right" (In heaven everything is right...no quotation marks, but on earth there is always something wrong even if it doesn't affect us as individuals), and God just kind of shine's his love and peace on you. I thought to myself, "God love's me, and I can't complain..."
This peace has subsided of course as the week has passed.. I continue to realize I can only take so much time with my parents...I love them to death, but there is a reason why I live across the country still. I am excited to get back to Pennsylvania because that means I get to be back at Summer's Best. I don't know if I have said this on my blog, but camp is a very special place for me. I have grown so much there in all aspects, physically, mentally, spiritually...and I get a second shot at being back there again (Most people don't get the summer's off to work at camp). Hopefully I'll get to post throughout the summer about it.
That's all I got.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
dang...
I am very tired mentally, physically, and emotionally. Those of you close to me know that I have been dealing with some stuff. The song "Kindness" by Chris Tomlin has been ringing through my head lately. The chorus ends with the line "Your love, Your love, Is better than life". I know this line is SO true, but it is SO hard to really believe it sometimes. I know from my experience that God has a plan for my life and he knows what is best. Why is it so hard to realize that? How come I always convince myself that I know what is best for me? I was trying to drill in my head, that I need to trust the Lord in all of this and that he has a plan, sometimes it's not enough to pound it into your head....it still sucks. Life is still hard sometimes. I often watch the movie "Swingers" when I get down and these 2 conversations (Censored) between Mikey and his buddy Rob kind of sums up how I feel...kind of.
Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?
Rob: You don't call.
Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.
Rob: Right.
Mike: So I don't call either way?
Rob: Right.
Mike: So what's the difference?
Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.
Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?
Rob: Right.
Mike: Well that sucks.
Rob: Yeah, it sucks.
Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?
Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.
Mike: What do you mean?
Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.
Mike: Well what if she comes back first?
Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.
Mike: There's the rub.
Rob: There's the rub.
and this conversation...
Rob: You don't look at the things that you have, you only look at the stuff that you don't have. Those guys are right about you - you're money.
Mike: Then why won't she call?
Rob: She won't call because you left. she's got her own life to deal with, man, and that's in New York... alright? And she's a sweet girl, and I love her to pieces, but f- her, man. You gotta get on with your life. You gotta let go of the past. And Mikey, when you do, I'm telling you: the future is beautiful, alright? Look out the window. It's sunny every day here. It's like manifest destiny. Don't tell me we didn't make it. We made it! We are here. And everything that is past is prologued to this. All of the shiz that didn't kill us is only - you know, all that shiz. You're gonna get over it.
Mike: How did you get over it? I mean, how long did it take?
Rob: Sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is, man. It's like, you wake up every day and it hurts a little bit less, and then you wake up one day and it doesn't hurt at all. And the funny thing is, is that, this is kinda wierd, but it's like, it's like you almost miss that pain.
Mike: You miss the pain?
Rob: Yeah, for the same reason that you missed her... because you lived with it for so long.
Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?
Rob: You don't call.
Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.
Rob: Right.
Mike: So I don't call either way?
Rob: Right.
Mike: So what's the difference?
Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.
Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?
Rob: Right.
Mike: Well that sucks.
Rob: Yeah, it sucks.
Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?
Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.
Mike: What do you mean?
Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.
Mike: Well what if she comes back first?
Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.
Mike: There's the rub.
Rob: There's the rub.
and this conversation...
Rob: You don't look at the things that you have, you only look at the stuff that you don't have. Those guys are right about you - you're money.
Mike: Then why won't she call?
Rob: She won't call because you left. she's got her own life to deal with, man, and that's in New York... alright? And she's a sweet girl, and I love her to pieces, but f- her, man. You gotta get on with your life. You gotta let go of the past. And Mikey, when you do, I'm telling you: the future is beautiful, alright? Look out the window. It's sunny every day here. It's like manifest destiny. Don't tell me we didn't make it. We made it! We are here. And everything that is past is prologued to this. All of the shiz that didn't kill us is only - you know, all that shiz. You're gonna get over it.
Mike: How did you get over it? I mean, how long did it take?
Rob: Sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is, man. It's like, you wake up every day and it hurts a little bit less, and then you wake up one day and it doesn't hurt at all. And the funny thing is, is that, this is kinda wierd, but it's like, it's like you almost miss that pain.
Mike: You miss the pain?
Rob: Yeah, for the same reason that you missed her... because you lived with it for so long.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
It's been a while
So a lot has happened since my last entry. Over Easter Break I got to go up to Boston to see a bunch of college friends. Here are some pictures from the visit.
I don't know why I have that look on my face...maybe it was the smell of the ocean because I haven't seen it in so long...
We somehow got into jumping pictures...this one was pretty sweet.
Another jumper...kind of. That's my Baryshnikov impersonation.
The visit was really good. There is something about being face to face with friends that makes things so much better. I had some great conversations with friends and really got to spend some quality time with people that I love and miss so much.
This past Tuesday I went to my first Sox game in a couple of years. I had a good streak going for a while. Last year was the first time I did not get to see the Sox play live for first time in 8 years. So after a long year without the Sox live I got to see them play the Indians at the Jake (Sadly now Progressive Field). Unfortunately the Sox lost because of a couple of errors, but I still had a good time. Here are a couple of pictures.
Me and one of my students Tom. He was really excited...obviously.
We had pretty good seats. If this was at Fenway, I would have had to cut my left hand to sit this close.
The school year is slowly coming to an end. As I look back on the year, it has been a really good one. There have definitely been some tough moments, and I am SO ready for this Academic year to come to a close. But the good times definitely outweigh the bad. I think if the bad outweighed the good it would be time to change what I was doing.
Up next is a quick trip home to LA to get some rest and relaxation before I jump into camp. I don't know how much blogging I'll get to do over the summer. Sorry to dissapoint all 3 of you that actually read this blog...but until the next time.
I don't know why I have that look on my face...maybe it was the smell of the ocean because I haven't seen it in so long...
We somehow got into jumping pictures...this one was pretty sweet.
Another jumper...kind of. That's my Baryshnikov impersonation.
The visit was really good. There is something about being face to face with friends that makes things so much better. I had some great conversations with friends and really got to spend some quality time with people that I love and miss so much.
This past Tuesday I went to my first Sox game in a couple of years. I had a good streak going for a while. Last year was the first time I did not get to see the Sox play live for first time in 8 years. So after a long year without the Sox live I got to see them play the Indians at the Jake (Sadly now Progressive Field). Unfortunately the Sox lost because of a couple of errors, but I still had a good time. Here are a couple of pictures.
Me and one of my students Tom. He was really excited...obviously.
We had pretty good seats. If this was at Fenway, I would have had to cut my left hand to sit this close.
The school year is slowly coming to an end. As I look back on the year, it has been a really good one. There have definitely been some tough moments, and I am SO ready for this Academic year to come to a close. But the good times definitely outweigh the bad. I think if the bad outweighed the good it would be time to change what I was doing.
Up next is a quick trip home to LA to get some rest and relaxation before I jump into camp. I don't know how much blogging I'll get to do over the summer. Sorry to dissapoint all 3 of you that actually read this blog...but until the next time.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Visting CC
This past weekend I visited Covenant for the first time since I left. It was a very good weekend overall. I got to catch up with students and old co-workers that I have missed dearly. At the same time, I felt confirmation and affirmation that I made the right decision to work at Geneva. As much as I miss the people at Covenant, I realized that Covenant was difficult in certain aspects. Mainly, I didn't have any type of social life outside of my job. I worked very hard and enjoyed building relationships with students, attending activities, plays and sporting events. Outside of those things, I wasn't taking care of myself. I didn't have friends or a social network in the area to help me "get away"...
I have sat here for the last fifteen minutes trying to figure out how to express some of the other difficulties that I experienced. There really is no way to express them without sounding like I was not grateful for my time at Covenant. The fact is I am grateful for my time there. They took a chance on me, and I gained valuable experience. I made lifelong memories, and friends. Like all aspects of life, not everything is perfect, and there were things that were said, and actions that were taken that were not the best, in my opinion.
Like water under the bridge, Covenant has moved on and most importantly I have moved on.
That's what the weekend was about for me. To get some closure, see students and friends that I didn't get to say goodbye to.
I have sat here for the last fifteen minutes trying to figure out how to express some of the other difficulties that I experienced. There really is no way to express them without sounding like I was not grateful for my time at Covenant. The fact is I am grateful for my time there. They took a chance on me, and I gained valuable experience. I made lifelong memories, and friends. Like all aspects of life, not everything is perfect, and there were things that were said, and actions that were taken that were not the best, in my opinion.
Like water under the bridge, Covenant has moved on and most importantly I have moved on.
That's what the weekend was about for me. To get some closure, see students and friends that I didn't get to say goodbye to.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Alaska
It has become a tradition for me to go on a mission trip during spring break with college students for the last couple of years. This year was no exception as I got the chance to go to Alaska. A fellow RD of mine Sarah, grew up in Eagle River, which is right outside of Anchorage. She started the trip last year and decided to continue the trip again. Sarah and I got to lead 9 students for a week and half to help serve troubled youth and homeless people in Anchorage. Here is a picture of the group...
(It was cold...and yes the sun glasses were necessary because the sun glared off the snow..)
We made the long trek last Saturday on March 14. We arrived in Alaska around 7:30pm local time. On Sunday a lifelong dream came true for me as I got to witness the start of the Iditarod (the 1000 mile plus dog sledding race that has been exagerated and fantasized through movies and books such as "Iron Will", "Balto", and a a short story I read in elementary school, about a kid who won the Iditarod to help save his house after his mother died...I can't remember the name of it, but it was a sweet story). Here is a picture...
The second half of th week our group got to help renovate a shower house ministry for the Downtown Soup Kitchen. The DSK is a Christian based ministry that helps feed homeless and the underpriveleged as well as give away clothes in Anchorage 365 days a year. They have 2 or 3 part time staff members and many volunteer workers. Because they only have a couple of workers, a function of their ministry the shower house has been slightly neglected. It is used once a week to give homeless people an opportunity to take a shower, wash their clothes and have a place to call "home" for at least an hour or so. Our group got the priviledge of remodeling the house to make it more welcoming and functional. At first I was overwhelmed with the project. I didn't think we would have enough time to finish the job, but by the grace of God and the hard work by all of our team members we exceeded expectations (We repainted the kitchen, living room and 2 bathrooms, put up new curtains and blinds, rearranged a living room counter and retiled a table, amongst lots of other stuff) Here are two before and after pictures. This is just one of the rooms we painted and redecorated...
(Before)
(After)
All in all it was a great week.
-Sarah's family the Dompier's were awesome hosts. Home cooked meals every night and lots of laughter, fun and fellowship. I got to experience first hand, a family that truly loved each other, that lived very simply and tried to glorify God in all that they did.
-Our group of students were awesome as well. I never heard one complaint about anything. They never whined, and trusted Sarah and I to make decisions on behalf of the group. They worked their tales off and God really used us.
-I got to go to Alaska for the second time in my life. This time it was without my parents and it was to serve. I don't know why it's such a big deal to me, but to go places that I have been before with my parents by myself makes me feel like I have accomplished something. Like I have achieved another step of independence (Granted my first and biggest step of independence was 9 years ago when I decided to move 3000 miles away from home to attend Gordon). In a sense I feel like it makes them proud too, because they have raised me and put me into a position to where I can go to places like Madrid, Spain and Anchorage, Alaska.
Things that I learned on this trip:
-God is awesome and created beautiful places like this...
-I totally could have been one of the troubled youth that lived at Covenant House or a homeless person in Alaska, but for some reason God had different plans for me. Because of this, I am CALLED to use the advantages of a loving and supportive family to serve others.
-Family is important.
-I want a dog.
-On the inside we are all torn apart, and ugly. We all have issues and struggles, some more then others. On the outside we can look fine, and sometimes beautiful. No matter how we are both inside and out, God uses us for his purpose.
So, if you can go to Alaska go. If you can do a mission trip do it.
(It was cold...and yes the sun glasses were necessary because the sun glared off the snow..)
We made the long trek last Saturday on March 14. We arrived in Alaska around 7:30pm local time. On Sunday a lifelong dream came true for me as I got to witness the start of the Iditarod (the 1000 mile plus dog sledding race that has been exagerated and fantasized through movies and books such as "Iron Will", "Balto", and a a short story I read in elementary school, about a kid who won the Iditarod to help save his house after his mother died...I can't remember the name of it, but it was a sweet story). Here is a picture...
(Before)
(After)
All in all it was a great week.
-Sarah's family the Dompier's were awesome hosts. Home cooked meals every night and lots of laughter, fun and fellowship. I got to experience first hand, a family that truly loved each other, that lived very simply and tried to glorify God in all that they did.
-Our group of students were awesome as well. I never heard one complaint about anything. They never whined, and trusted Sarah and I to make decisions on behalf of the group. They worked their tales off and God really used us.
-I got to go to Alaska for the second time in my life. This time it was without my parents and it was to serve. I don't know why it's such a big deal to me, but to go places that I have been before with my parents by myself makes me feel like I have accomplished something. Like I have achieved another step of independence (Granted my first and biggest step of independence was 9 years ago when I decided to move 3000 miles away from home to attend Gordon). In a sense I feel like it makes them proud too, because they have raised me and put me into a position to where I can go to places like Madrid, Spain and Anchorage, Alaska.
Things that I learned on this trip:
-God is awesome and created beautiful places like this...
-I totally could have been one of the troubled youth that lived at Covenant House or a homeless person in Alaska, but for some reason God had different plans for me. Because of this, I am CALLED to use the advantages of a loving and supportive family to serve others.
-Family is important.
-I want a dog.
-On the inside we are all torn apart, and ugly. We all have issues and struggles, some more then others. On the outside we can look fine, and sometimes beautiful. No matter how we are both inside and out, God uses us for his purpose.
So, if you can go to Alaska go. If you can do a mission trip do it.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Leadership Weekend
For several years I have wanted to be on Leadership at Summer's Best. I often heard of this mythical weekend called "Leadership Weekend" and often thought...I should be there! This past weekend was a great time and also a really encouraging time that allowed me to reflect and realize how far I have come since my first time at camp in 2002. Throughout the weekend we heard devotionals from full-time staff members. I could not help but think to myself..."I thought I was ready for this responsibility when I was younger, but I really wasn't. God has a purpose and he sees how I can serve in this role." My perspective changed from, I should be on Leadership, to I'm excited in the way God will use me on Leadership.
Throughout certain discussions and conversations about camp, I realized how much I have grown in maturity in the last 3 years. God has put me in College Administrative positions which have forced me to grow up. To constantly be on the lookout for others and not myself. To see the needs of college students. To learn how to be a more well-rounded man of God.
For example: Can I still be crazy and goofy? Yes, but do I need to be like that all the time? No.
All of this to say...I am super excited for this summer. I felt Satan trying to bring me down in little aspects of whispering doubt, or thoughts of pride, but I know that I just need to soak up this experience and make the most of it.
After being away from camp for a few summers, and getting this unique opportunity to come back and serve, I can't help but feel so grateful for an opportunity to "lace up the cleats again". I relate it to "The Natural". A movie about a baseball player named Roy Hobbs who had a ton of potential and God given talent. He is very young and makes some mistakes and eventually his life choices cause his baseball career to come to sudden halt. A couple of years later, he gets a second chance to resurrect his career. He knows how special it is and what a privilege it is to play the game so he makes sure to make the most of it.
I'm not saying I'm going to take camp to the World Series and hit a walk off home-run into the lights and cause sparks to fly all over the field...
Watch it Here, it's so worth it...
But I am going to try...ha
Throughout certain discussions and conversations about camp, I realized how much I have grown in maturity in the last 3 years. God has put me in College Administrative positions which have forced me to grow up. To constantly be on the lookout for others and not myself. To see the needs of college students. To learn how to be a more well-rounded man of God.
For example: Can I still be crazy and goofy? Yes, but do I need to be like that all the time? No.
All of this to say...I am super excited for this summer. I felt Satan trying to bring me down in little aspects of whispering doubt, or thoughts of pride, but I know that I just need to soak up this experience and make the most of it.
After being away from camp for a few summers, and getting this unique opportunity to come back and serve, I can't help but feel so grateful for an opportunity to "lace up the cleats again". I relate it to "The Natural". A movie about a baseball player named Roy Hobbs who had a ton of potential and God given talent. He is very young and makes some mistakes and eventually his life choices cause his baseball career to come to sudden halt. A couple of years later, he gets a second chance to resurrect his career. He knows how special it is and what a privilege it is to play the game so he makes sure to make the most of it.
I'm not saying I'm going to take camp to the World Series and hit a walk off home-run into the lights and cause sparks to fly all over the field...
Watch it Here, it's so worth it...
But I am going to try...ha
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The first half of the week we worked at The Covenant House. An organization that is set up in big cities across the US to help serve troubled youth. Most of the full time staff (4 or 5 of them) are professional counselors and social workers, who barely have enough time to keep up with the youth that come in and out of the facilities. That gave us a great opportunity to help do things that the staff never has time to do...i.e. wash windows, base boards, and walls, steam clean sofas and carpets, and organize a game closet.